Absolute Bliss.

Sometimes I don’t know who i am anymore. I keep finding myself in this same circle of thoughts that makes me wonder about my own existence.

I don’t know if im choosing the right things, making the right moves, as to who or what this universe expects or who my subconscious desires me to be. There are certain things, that I enjoy on a day to day. Like listening to music on the metro, the heat of the sauna after crushing a workout at the gym.

But nothing compares to the sensation of loyalty and love when I wakeup to the arms of someone around me. Its the sense of security, and the smell of their skin on my pijamas, pillows and bedroom is the perfect type of intoxicating goodness. Juanes has an old song that quotes “ que mis ojos se despierten con la luz de tu mirada, yo a dios le pido”. And ive never read truer lyrics from a song that just hit me like a wave of weakness and vulnerability. Because that is exactly how I feel

Maybe it’s because I am an insomniac, that this means so much to me. Or a representation of how my childhood traumas lead me to need this sense of comfort in feeling safe and cared for when I close my eyes. But I used to wakeup, and just watch him sleep. The sound of him breathing calmed me down, the weight of his body kept me in place and I would run my hands through his hair until I drifted off in sleep.

If on judgement day the angels asked me the most euphoric part of my existence, it would be these scattered unnoticed seconds of sleepy ritual. Those small fractures in my constant state of defense and anxiety in between sleeping were the absolute happiest moments of me. I got to be vulnerable and yet felt safe with someone that knows the purest truth of my flawed personality, deep secrets, desires and still wanted me there. I don’t believe there is a greater moment than that, at least not in my existence. Absolute bliss.

Circumstances make me wonder about my existence. Clutching on to my big pillow in a bed with the darkness of just me, I question why this to be my safe place. In those memories that seem like a few lifetimes ago and yet I can feel the smell of his skin lingering on me. Absolute comfort, more of a spiritual experience than the physical touch, It made me feel complete.

Sometimes I don’t know who i am anymore.