Ooh how the world changes when you learn to see the beauty in every part of your story. Throughout my journey to get here there have been some rough chapters, difficult plots and harsh endings. Characters written off that I believed would be in the main cast forever. Just when I thought there would be no story to tell without all the twists, drama and events, I realized my complexity, love and intelligence were all I needed. This is my story and every chapter is essential to the book that I call life.
The differences between men and women are things I never thought about before now. By this I don’t mean what sets us apart on a physical or genetic level. Rather how we seem to feel emotions and process desire.
I don’t know how to hide my need for you. How much I want you with me. You drive me to a point that makes me feel like im sitting on a volcano that can explode at any time. Its like a Firry passion coursing through my veins as fast as my breathing, as fast as your heartbeat on your rooftop that night.
It was in that moment that I realized that there is no place I would rather be, anyone I’d rather be there with that wasn’t with you. For better or worse, beautiful or ugly. Hell or heaven, as nothing could be worse than how I feel at this moment a world away from my heart.
The world is on fire, my world is in chaos every second I spend without you. Maybe there must be a physical or genetic difference between us, that causes me to completely melt by the thought of your touch. And yet you are so collected in your speech and thoughts. I wish I could stop burning up.
I’ve never been a patient person, not a lover of uncertainty. But I am learning with you to cultivate this virtue. I am a perfectionist, I am a planner, I am a control freak. Being where you are sparks a current of electricity that connects all The cells that make up my existence, and lights up my heart like a beautiful chandelier.
I’ve never been a patient person, not a lover of uncertainty. Maybe this is why I had this pressing need to rush across the ocean to you. Yet with our connection still undefined every moment I spend with you is absolute bliss. My urge to caress your face, hold your hand and feel your presence gets stronger with every glance and smile.
I’ve never been a patient person, not a lover of uncertainty. And yet I know that I would blindly follow you anywhere. If life was a map, the arrow to the compass of my heart would be you. There would be no anxieties to my subconscious.
We continue in this circle and for the life of me I do not know where we are heading. The anxiety is getting to me, my insecurities are creeping back in and I am flooded with a mixture of doubts and hopes. Do those two things even mix? What is it that you want from me? Do you know where you want this to go?
I do not want to continue in this circle. I do not need to question what i feel for you and where I would like us to go. I wish I could stand on the highest mountain and scream at the top of my lungs that I want you, all of you.
I want to be your safe zone, supporting your dreams. I want you to come home after a long day happy to see me because I am needed for your internal peace. I want to be what makes you complete, your emotional companion and spiritual rock. I want a travel partner, your wanderlust inspires me and I want you to run away with me. I would follow you anywhere, I want you to be my home. I want you to know you can trust me in hard times, whether this be with illness or the aging of our parents.
I wish I could stand on the highest mountain and scream at the top of my lungs that I want you, all of you. I want to commit to you in front of our family and friends in my best dress. I want to be the person that keeps you warm at night. I want to be the mother of your children and your eternal partner. I want to dance with you in our kitchen and drown in the scent of your body while you hold me close.
I do not want to continue in this circle. I do not need to question what I feel for you and where I would like us to go. I wish I could stand on the highest mountain and scream at the top of my lungs that I want you, all of you.
Sometimes I struggle, sometimes everything seems to become too much and the darkness overshadows the beauty of life. To eveything comes an end, and so an end will come to my dark age. One day I will enjoy the sky again. I won’t walk through the world like It’s my godforsaken duty to hold everything up. I will smell the flowers, feel the ocean, breathe the air and dance in the rain. One day I will enjoy the sky.
I’ve always felt like i was broken early on and would never get fixed. Before you my life was an unanswerable question and I spend days and nights looking. The first time we met something inside of me just recognized you. We were connecting and you saw the good things in me, and you made me real. And down to my core I felt for the very first time what it is to trust someone with my truth, my ideas, ridiculous dreams and unrealistic goals.
I gave you my darkest secrets and you comforted me and said it was ok and in return you showed me yours. That scares me, feeling that connected to someone. I feel vulnerable around you and your eyes make me weak. I have so many walls up to keep people out and yet you managed to reach the inner me. I feel like im losing myself because all my days are spent in fear of what might happen to me because you hold my whole heart in your hands. And I don’t know if it can survive another dissolution or hit, but somehow thats ok.
You are home to me, when im with you im home. And I don’t want anyone taking that away from me. I’ve always felt like i was broken early on and would never get fixed.
Looking back at my teenage worries, I wish I could speak to my younger me. The one who wore her heart on her sleeve, so fragile looking to be loved. “ babygirl, it’s your future self, and I’ve done things greater than dating the quarterback, No I didn’t marry the love of your life , but i’ve realized some bigger dreams of yours. I’m still fighting for you, and we are still here.”
My kind of love is, standing in line at a gate to go see someone that changed their mind about our plans, doesn’t love me, and still get on that plane.
I was ready to give you my fully build up world, and instead you crumbled it. After all it took me to build up that foundation out of the shattered pieces of my childhood pain and hurt that I thought id overcome. And yet why do I feel like im right back in that pink dress crying the whole way home.
My kind of love, is having to fake a smile and keep it together while im broken on the inside because I can clearly tell im being lied to.
There was a time you made my heart warm, burning brighter than the sun. I felt understood, like part of you recognized yourself in me as if we were different fragments of the same light source. For a moment there I would have selfishly left the world dark just to give you the biggest star so I could show you how it is that you made me light up.
My kind of love is, letting you back into my life when you needed my support regardless of how much it pained me to see your name on my screen again.
I feel like a child in a pink dress the middle of a messy separation, caught up between both parents with unconditional love being my mother and unforgiving pain as my father.
Somehow I have this unexplainable conviction that with you I could survive a storm in the streets in my pink dress with just your hands around me. And yet I am frightened at how unpredictable as a growing hurricane you can actually be.
My kind of love is, having him make me question myself, thinking im flawed because of his inconsistency and still care with the purity of a child meeting their newborn sibling for the first time.
After all these years of learning to love myself, there I was thinking that I deserved this for opening up my heart again. Now I realize that from your perspective, like the Romeo song “ antes de inventarse el amor ya yo te estaba amando”. Because by your own admission you have never had someone offer you their undying affection, the appropriate declaration of infatuation and deep seated love.
When did we all get so fearful? I’m finally finding my voice in life, after spending so much time feeling my kind of love was not enough for my former better half. I was confirming my masters thesis extension when I saw the newspaper announcement with that name next to his. Yes, back then I swore I was going to marry him someday, but he decided that I wasn’t the name he needed next to his. And so me and my pink dress did not board that plane.
My kind of love is, over-protecting my little brother with everything I have after barely reaching the age of three and losing my first love, my baby sister.
The honest to God question that I ask myself, is do I have it left in me yet again to protect myself while you figure out that I am enough? Because that turned out so well for me with my former better half ? Can I be here spending yet again unretrievable moments of my youth sonly based on a warm feeling in my chest and the conviction of my heart? Do I want a love that I have to convince someone im worthy of?
My kind of love, was learning to accept my new little sister after having to burry my first one wearing my once favorite pink dress.
I’ve done things greater than dating the cutest guy in school. Long ago I swore i’d marry my former better half someday, but I’ve accomplished some bigger dreams of mine.
I’d hug my teenage self in that pink dress and say “ Babygirl, you are the strongest person that I have ever known, and the only love you truly need, is the one that only we ourself can provide.”