Rage

I have this strong feeling of rage. I don’t know if it’s just rage or also disappointment, but it feels so powerful. If my feeling was an element it would be this burning red flame consuming everything around it as it gains momentum.

You have given me so much rage, you started this unrest within me, that gave birth to an untamable fire. Amid your neglect, arrogance and selfishness, I am left to burn internally to save you from yourself. Because you are unable to move past your own insecurities.

I hope for you this rage dies down, fizzles out on it’s own before I explode leaving you with the aftermath. Not one single thing in this relationship is cared for by you, yet you like to claim all the beauty of everything in front of your audience. Hence the confusion about the lack of mention or credit for the Bitch who made it happen, the superwoman without the cape who keeps you afloat in these unpredictable waters. I pray someone sprays me with water, showers me with love, affection and care. I have no problem burning down everything to the ground that I build up. Beware of the heat.

Teaching me.

Im learning to let go. Not of a person or a situation, but letting go of my expectations.

Im learning to be ok. Being fullfilled as a person and requiring only my own recognition.

Im learning to laugh. There is joy everywhere and even the smallest details I’d like to share.

Im learning to love. And if anyone costs me my peace, the trouble isn’t worth enough.

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/58/2c/6b/582c6bb35aaa49097d05f1522f257de9.jpg

Silent observer.

I told you..I just want you to know I see you. I see you visiting my private page, looking through all of my pictures, posts and updates. Would it be cocky of me to put it out there that I told you that you will be looking for me in another person? Yet here we are. About 10 years after we locked eyes. But I refuse to react to your advances, I refuse to give you access to me.

I remember how soft your skin is, how sweet you taste and the way only you know how to make everything else in the room disappear with your smile. I told you that you will be looking for me in another person. And we both know She isn’t me.. and I know He isn’t you. I told you.

Inner conflict.

How do I explain these mix feelings that I get? I’m trying not to act on my impulses, the mind of my younger self. The urge to indulge in mere light flirting with willing outsiders as I feel more and more neglected in this fragile relationship. It isn’t my doing, this isn’t my fault. My heart is in intensive care due to your mind games and my soul is devising an exit plan while my brain is pacing back and forth trying to rationalize and reason with my subconscious that my heart does have a chance, it will survive and be stronger. ” please don’t give up just yet!” My Brain pleads to the group in the recovery room while my heart is still knocked out after yet another heart open surgery proceeding one of your latest incineration of its vulnerable walls. My gut stands up and shares that at this point it has a strong feeling that this is all too abusive, you are too hurtful, inconsiderate and selfcentered. My subconscious agrees that our focus should be on nurturing my heart back to health and my brain adds that there is no need to be emotionally abused, deprived of affection and financially drained. My soul thinks I deserve better, My heart will pull through and We will rebuild my confidence. Starting with the one intellectual who stimulates my brain, one old flame who calms my heart, a spiritual prospect who soothes my soul, and one adventurer who pleases my gut. And my subconscious suddenly comes forward as My heart opens its eyes. ” let’s go home, to our inner peace, red lipstick and dancing shoes”. You hold no exclusivity over any part of me anymore.

Writers Stone.

I lost all my creativity. Dealing with your continuous rejection while taking everything from me. I lost all my trust because everytime I convince myself you don’t actually see me as your stepping stone, you go and shut me out. I am loosing my self esteem because I am good enough to be your support, bank, cheerleader and sounding board and yet you omit things, act mysterious and never show me off.

I wonder if you are afraid of losing me, you should be. I will loose all 200 pounds of you before I loose anymore of me.

Untold Story.

Ooh how the world changes when you learn to see the beauty in every part of your story. Throughout my journey to get here there have been some rough chapters, difficult plots and harsh endings. Characters written off that I believed would be in the main cast forever. Just when I thought there would be no story to tell without all the twists, drama and events, I realized my complexity, love and intelligence were all I needed. This is my story and every chapter is essential to the book that I call life.

Books and Flowers Black Pink Watercolor Botanical / 14 x11 image 1
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Flammable

The differences between men and women are things I never thought about before now. By this I don’t mean what sets us apart on a physical or genetic level. Rather how we seem to feel emotions and process desire.

I don’t know how to hide my need for you. How much I want you with me. You drive me to a point that makes me feel like im sitting on a volcano that can explode at any time. Its like a Firry passion coursing through my veins as fast as my breathing, as fast as your heartbeat on your rooftop that night.

It was in that moment that I realized that there is no place I would rather be, anyone I’d rather be there with that wasn’t with you. For better or worse, beautiful or ugly. Hell or heaven, as nothing could be worse than how I feel at this moment a world away from my heart.

The world is on fire, my world is in chaos every second I spend without you. Maybe there must be a physical or genetic difference between us, that causes me to completely melt by the thought of your touch. And yet you are so collected in your speech and thoughts. I wish I could stop burning up.

Conscious restrain.

I’ve never been a patient person, not a lover of uncertainty. But I am learning with you to cultivate this virtue. I am a perfectionist, I am a planner, I am a control freak. Being where you are sparks a current of electricity that connects all The cells that make up my existence, and lights up my heart like a beautiful chandelier.

I’ve never been a patient person, not a lover of uncertainty. Maybe this is why I had this pressing need to rush across the ocean to you. Yet with our connection still undefined every moment I spend with you is absolute bliss. My urge to caress your face, hold your hand and feel your presence gets stronger with every glance and smile.

I’ve never been a patient person, not a lover of uncertainty. And yet I know that I would blindly follow you anywhere. If life was a map, the arrow to the compass of my heart would be you. There would be no anxieties to my subconscious.

I’ve never been a patient person, not a lover of uncertainty. I have never had to show this magnitude of self control. But I am a lover of you, and the patience is going to have to follow.

Undisclosed intentions.

We continue in this circle and for the life of me I do not know where we are heading. The anxiety is getting to me, my insecurities are creeping back in and I am flooded with a mixture of doubts and hopes. Do those two things even mix? What is it that you want from me? Do you know where you want this to go?

I do not want to continue in this circle. I do not need to question what i feel for you and where I would like us to go. I wish I could stand on the highest mountain and scream at the top of my lungs that I want you, all of you.

I want to be your safe zone, supporting your dreams. I want you to come home after a long day happy to see me because I am needed for your internal peace. I want to be what makes you complete, your emotional companion and spiritual rock. I want a travel partner, your wanderlust inspires me and I want you to run away with me. I would follow you anywhere, I want you to be my home. I want you to know you can trust me in hard times, whether this be with illness or the aging of our parents.

I wish I could stand on the highest mountain and scream at the top of my lungs that I want you, all of you. I want to commit to you in front of our family and friends in my best dress. I want to be the person that keeps you warm at night. I want to be the mother of your children and your eternal partner. I want to dance with you in our kitchen and drown in the scent of your body while you hold me close.

I do not want to continue in this circle. I do not need to question what I feel for you and where I would like us to go. I wish I could stand on the highest mountain and scream at the top of my lungs that I want you, all of you.

Everyday Love | Art of Nidhi Chanani | Night duel Prints Illustrations
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Bella Gaia.

Sometimes I struggle, sometimes everything seems to become too much and the darkness overshadows the beauty of life. To eveything comes an end, and so an end will come to my dark age. One day I will enjoy the sky again. I won’t walk through the world like It’s my godforsaken duty to hold everything up. I will smell the flowers, feel the ocean, breathe the air and dance in the rain. One day I will enjoy the sky.

#DopeBlackArt by @hillarydwilsonart - Spent a little while yesterday painting mother nature. She makes flowers grow where she walks and…
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